The only place I want to see is inside myself.

I just returned from a lovely trip to Jaipur and Delhi. It is Christmas week in the Christian world so I got the opportunity to take some time off. My main reason for going to these two cities was to see some friends, Annu and her daughter Naina in Jaipur, and Deepjot and Arvind in Delhi. Since I had never been to Rajasthan, I organized some sightseeing in Jaipur and one day in Pushkar (I won't go into the trip to Pushkar because it was a total disappointment...for those Indians who have seen the great movie 'OMG - Oh My God', Pushkar was a total OMG anubhaav - experience). 

Anyway, I was a little reluctant to leave Rishikesh...on one hand because I have my daily yoga classes with Usha Devi that I really enjoy but more than that, I was not feeling the desire to visit new temples, monuments, etc. As I told my Didi (big sister in Milan), the only place I feel the need to 'visit' is inside myself. Of course, I was very happy to see Annu, Naina, Deepjot, and Arvind...that goes without saying...but now that I am back home in Rishikesh, I can honestly say that I am done with sightseeing. And as much as I can appreciate the beautiful structures that man has built over the centuries (let us not forget I grew up in Italy!), the only places that really move me are the natural ones...the mountains, the seas, the forests, etc.. And sightseeing is so superficial. Running around with a guide just to hear about some ancient times that have nothing to do with who I am now. Dates and names that I will soon forget. It is one thing to live in these places, as I have lived in Italy, France, Spain, and now Rishikesh...one gets a feel of the culture and its people...it is a totally different and, at this point in my life useless, thing to 'sightsee'. I would have been just as happy to sit in a café and chat with my friends all day. 

So I am done with sightseeing. 

To be honest, what is on the outside has only brought misery. And having seen everything on the outside and nothing on the inside, my only choice is to go inward. 

What is on the outside has brought me nothing eternal. Nothing truly meaningful. That which is on the inside is everlasting and it is there that I must go. What is on the outside is boring at best, torture at worst and in both cases, a waste of time. Time is of the essence if I am to come to any kind of understanding in this lifetime. Who knows how long it will last? 

My life is an illusion

One moment happy, one moment melancholy, one moment agitated, the next calm. Feelings fluctuating like the ripples in a pond. Superficial emotions changing from one day to the next for no reason.  My life is an illusion. I am evermore certain of this. I look at these ‘feelings’ as they come and go, detached... even amused. I smile as I ride in a rickshaw in the center of Rishikesh, my heart is light and full of joy...for no reason....yesterday, my body felt heavy, my mind foggy...for no reason. Silly and intriguing emotions.... not a real part of me. I can see this very clearly. I know it.

These little waves of emotions only touch the surface but below, the joy is deep, the well of calmness is forever present and all I have to do is dive down inside of myself to be part of the Me that never changes. The part of me that is love, peace.  It’s tangible. So whatever happens in the superficial world outside, I am not bothered. It is an illusion. An amusing illusion. 

A good astrologer would say that these changes in ‘mood’ are caused by the moon and I agree to some extent however, it’s what does not change inside of me, no matter what happens on the outside, that is drawing my interest. Yet how can I be so drawn to a part of me if it is me?  When will I no longer feel that part as something separate? Because if it is Me then I should not be drawn to it, I should just be it. Shoulds, woulds, and coulds….they don't exist in love so they must not exist in Love and Existence.

I am closer. How do I know? Because the highs and lows are not so distant from each other. They are nearing the centerpoint, never too extreme in either direction....no matter what happens around me.  And the joy I feel inside is constant.  

Have I gone mad or am I leaving the mad world?

Discard all that is not yours.....

I just came upon this perfect thought that Indian sage Nisargadatta Maharaj said in one of his many discourses in Mumbai. Such poignant perfection. (Sotto, in italiano)

"Just as a man digging a well discards what is not water, until he reaches the water-bearing strata, so must you discard what is not your own, till nothing is left which you can disown.

You will find that what is left is nothing which the mind can hook on to. You are not even a human being.

You just are - a point of awareness, co-extensive with time and space and beyond both, the ultimate cause, itself uncaused.

If you ask me "Who are you?", my answer would be: "Nothing in particular. Yet, I am.""

How many lifetimes will it take to shed all that is unnecessary? Is it what it is and I can only do by best in the life that I have.

In italiano:
Scarta tutto ciò che non sei e vai ancora più in profondità. Come uno che scava un pozzo evita tutto ciò che non è acqua, finché non raggiunge la falda, così tu devi scartare ciòche non ti appartiene, finché non ti rimane più niente da disconoscere. Allora scoprirai che quanto resta non è niente a cui la mente possa aggrapparsi. Tu non sei nemmeno un essere umano. Tu sei e basta. Sei un punto di consapevolezza che può estendersi nel tempo e nello spazio pur essendo al di là di entrambi, sei la causa ultima non causata. Se mi chiedi: "Chi sei?", la mia risposta è: "Niente in particolare, eppure io sono"