One moment happy, one moment melancholy, one moment agitated, the next calm. Feelings fluctuating like the ripples in a pond. Superficial emotions changing from one day to the next for no reason. My life is an illusion. I am evermore certain of this. I look at these ‘feelings’ as they come and go, detached... even amused. I smile as I ride in a rickshaw in the center of Rishikesh, my heart is light and full of joy...for no reason....yesterday, my body felt heavy, my mind foggy...for no reason. Silly and intriguing emotions.... not a real part of me. I can see this very clearly. I know it.
These little waves of emotions only touch the surface but below, the joy is deep, the well of calmness is forever present and all I have to do is dive down inside of myself to be part of the Me that never changes. The part of me that is love, peace. It’s tangible. So whatever happens in the superficial world outside, I am not bothered. It is an illusion. An amusing illusion.
A good astrologer would say that these changes in ‘mood’ are caused by the moon and I agree to some extent however, it’s what does not change inside of me, no matter what happens on the outside, that is drawing my interest. Yet how can I be so drawn to a part of me if it is me? When will I no longer feel that part as something separate? Because if it is Me then I should not be drawn to it, I should just be it. Shoulds, woulds, and coulds….they don't exist in love so they must not exist in Love and Existence.
I am closer. How do I know? Because the highs and lows are not so distant from each other. They are nearing the centerpoint, never too extreme in either direction....no matter what happens around me. And the joy I feel inside is constant.
Have I gone mad or am I leaving the mad world?